Thursday, November 10, 2005

Freebies!

This is my first annual Plymouth Freebies Award column.
I thought it was about time to recognize the generosity –if that’s what it really is, of those in our community who give out free things.
Of course Plymouth is not unique in this regard: almost everywhere you go in this country, people are promising ‘free stuff’. But I am only concerned with those free things that I can get my hands on without too much trouble.
And you know me (a little, I think): I am not really interested in really free things, but instead, in those things that they tell us are free but are actually something else. I am interested in the way ‘free’, usually means anything but.
So let’s dispose of the really free right off.
The best really free thing in Plymouth is, tah dah -The Plimoth Plantation.
If you actually live in town, you get in free. That can save you hundreds of dollars, especially if you’re like my wife and I, and use the Plantation as our own personal Nanny. Whenever we want to go out for some ‘adult time’, we take the kids to the Plantation and leave them there for a few hours.
We don’t just drop them off though: we’ve figured out that it works best if they blend in, so we had a few child-size Pilgrim costumes made up. Several times they’ve even come home with tips!
I would also be remiss (and would have missed a chance to kiss up to the boss, big time) if I didn’t mention the Bulletin. It’s free too! Most of you knew that, but let me take this opportunity to apologize to a few of my neighbors to whom I sold trial subscriptions at a very reasonable rate before the first issue came out. The bad news is that I already spent the money. The good news is that, hey what do you know, the paper is actually free!
Okay, I think that takes care of the free stuff that is actually free. Now let’s move on to the free that ain’t.
As I see it, there are three basic categories of free stuff: the Come On, the Come In, and the Come Off It!
I put the free water test offers that I find hanging from my mailbox several times a year, in the Come On category. Most people are not going to consider spending a few hundred dollars to have their water tested – but if it’s free, well that’s a horse of a different color. Of course, you have to wonder what kinds of rigorous scientific evaluations they do for free – but on the other hand, you get to keep those cute little plastic bottles.
In the same vein are the free soil tests in spring, free assessments of the value of your property, and a seventh beer with every six pack purchase(I can dream, can’t I?). I guess as free stuff goes, the Come On kind are kind of boring.
The Come In variety of free stuff is my favorite. It’s an offer used to get customers in the door, but once you’re in you can take control.
Free Salsa with Chips at Sam Diego’s tops my list in this area.
When we drop the little Pilgrims off at the Plantation we usually head right over to Sam Diego’s. We go to the top floor, and find a small table in a corner where we won’t be pestered by waiters.
If we’re on top of our game we also remember to ask the person seating us for free crayons and a coloring book for our patient pilgrim. The coloring book also helps delay the inevitable (they keep waiting for the kid to show): but when management is finally alerted and we are asked to leave it’s just a short walk around the corner to the British Beer for pretzels, and a few free shot-glass samples of their great selection of imported beers.
After that it becomes more difficult to decide where we’ll get our next fix of free, but oftentimes we head over towards Route 44 and one of the many local car dealers offering that staple of American automotive marketing – the free test drive. Some dealers will even let you keep the car overnight, in which case we usually head over to the Radisson and crash a wedding reception or two. Besides the free meal, Mary loves the centerpieces that they give away –some of which are nice enough to sell on EBay!
Oh heck, I’ve already used an entire column without even getting to the Come Off It variety of freebies.

Hey, what do you want: it’s free!

No comments: