Weather Tip: How Not to Go Arse Over Teakettle

Shoes. Don’t put them on. Stay inside. Look out the window and say, “Holy mudhead, mackerel, the whole finger-lickin’ world is one big sheet of ice!”

Downhill. Ice makes everything downhill, including uphill. With that in mind, if you really have to go outside walk with your legs spread preposterously wide, and lift and place one foot at a time like some tipsy Sumo wrestler.

Rails, bars, limbs, fence posts, parked cars… Find something, anything to hold onto (preferably things that are set permanently into the ground). Do not under any circumstances get into your car without a firm grasp of the car door, itself, so that when, inevitably, your feet come out from under you, you don’t end up wedged half-way underneath.

All fours, as in “down on all fours,” as in “you don’t see dogs slipping on the ice, do you?” But, actually, if you were foolish enough to take your dog out on the ice both Fido and you would soon be doing the Electric Slide. Consider, instead, getting down on all fours like a turtle. A turtle might not make much headway, but it isn’t likely to go arse over teakettle either.

Swimming. You might even consider “swimming” (on your belly on the ice, like a turtle without a shell) to the mailbox, or the shed, or to the aide of someone who has already fallen. It may be cold but your fall will be much shorter if you are already on the ground.

Pedestrians. Steer clear of them. If at all possible, don’t go out on the street, or onto a sidewalk, or anywhere outside when there are any other people in your vicinity. If you do, no matter how level your stance, how flat your feet, and how slowly you move, a less careful pedestrian is going to lose their balance and after pin-balling off a few parked cars, fire hydrants and other pedestrians, will find you and knock you down.

Crunch. The sound underfoot is a good indication of the degree of danger of slipping. You are safe if, when you walk, you hear a “ca-runch.” A slight “ca-rinkle” is indicative of a relatively high degree of traction. A “ca-rink” without the “ul” is potential trouble. A straightforward “reenk”, without an initial “ca” is the sound of a large amount of down insulation about to go airborne. A “reenk,” followed by a “yikes,” and ending with an “oof,” is the sound of someone with a large butt landing on same. A “reenk” followed by a sharp “crack” is generally followed by an ambulance.

Flight. Birds aren’t particularly bothered by ice. I’ve never heard of the air being slippery. So, if you can, get airborne until the neighborhood thaws out. Or, if you can afford it, have somebody carry you to your car, drive you to the airport, and fly you someplace that doesn’t have any ice, someplace where, coincidentally, you don’t need any shoes.