Pigging Out!

Remain calm.
The first thing I want to say is that there is no reason for alarm.
I want to reassure you, the public, that there is no reason for panic.
Don’t panic.
This is just Step 47, in a 66 Step Public Health Pandemic Program.
Step 47 is the ‘There’s No Reason for Alarm, but If Oprah’s Talking About It We Might as Well Get In on the Action’ phase.
At Step 48 we will begin to remove all copies of Steven King’s The Stand, from bookstores, public libraries, and the bookcases in the common room at the local Bed & Breakfast.
But relax: we are a long way from Step 48.
Ironically, we are closer to Step 57, than we are to Step 48.
At Step 57 masks are issued: not to the public, but to talk show hosts, news anchors, and that crazy guy on public access television.
Step 57 recognizes the need to shut these people up, while admitting that by that Step it may be too late.
Right now though, it’s not too late, I mean to shut these people up.
Right now there are about 100-reported cases of Swine Flu in the US, and one death.
Normally you can expect about 35,000 deaths annually from the usual strains of influenza.
But this is not a usual strain. This is – at least as far as we know, an unknown but relatively mild strain. So without really very much bad news to report, the traditional media approach is to dramatize its long-term potential, give hourly updates, and offer elaborate worst-case scenarios.
You know the drill: its kind of like the way the news channels predict drought every year, based on ten days when it doesn’t rain in the spring. They show pictures of the reservoirs at low levels, and theorize how – if it doesn’t rain for another 100 consecutive days, there will be a drought. Shortly thereafter we get about 5 inches of rain, the reservoirs fill up, and the drought watch is over.
They can’t help themselves. News of a Pandemic – real or imagined, is impossible to resist.
The other day I heard a reporter tease an upcoming swine flu story by saying that – in one particular state, the infection rate had doubled overnight.
‘More after the break’.
When she gave the details later in the hour, it turned out that the cases in that particular state had gone from two to four – overnight!
Whoopee!
Did you ever play that game where you place your hands – palms down, over your opponent’s hands (both upturned)? Then the opponent tries to pull his or her hands out and slap your hands before you can pull them away.
After you get your hands slapped a few times, you are quick to pull them away. But if you flinch, or pull them away too early, the rules say your opponent gets a free slap.
That’s kind of how I see this pandemic story going.
They keep tickling our palms, as if we are about to get slapped, but then they say – don’t worry, stay calm, there is nothing to be alarmed about. And when we flinch, we get our hands slapped.
They interrupted a talk show the other morning to cover a press conference in Lowell.
In Lowell!
OMG, they had two confirmed cases: two boys who had recently been in Mexico.
The Mayor and the School Superintendent – and someone acting as a kind of MC, and various other town officials, crowded onto the steps of the Town Hall, to tell the public that there was… no reason to panic.
All across the country similar ‘Don’t Panic’ rallies were held.
The last I heard this ‘non-emergency’ had spread, to You Tube, Twitter, and beyond.
I hate to say it - because it’s a bad pun, but the swine flu has gone ‘viral’.
At least when its time to panic we should be well prepared.