Fly Paper

Americans are great at names –names that bring to mind all sorts of futuristic, utopian images and advancements. And it seems it really doesn’t matter how large the gap is, between the name and reality.
Take the Sagamore ‘Fly-Over’, for example.

My day job takes me over the Sagamore Bridge several times a week, but despite all the construction going on, the old Escort’s wheel’s haven’t come close to leaving the ground.
In my humble opinion it’s more a ‘Swerve Around’ than a Fly-Over.
Maybe that’s a good thing though. From what I have seen, drivers headed to the Cape are having a lot of trouble with the new swerving over. If their vehicles actually went airborne there’s no telling how bad it could get.
Part of the problem is that they have yet to take the rotary out of the equation –which I thought was suppose to be the whole point. But whatever they are doing traffic is already much worse than before.
Before they began the construction, drivers knew what to expect and could mentally prepare for the rotary for a few hundred yards: as they neared the bridge, drivers would go slower and slower and finally, at the edge of the rotary, they’d come to a complete stop.
Many then had a very difficult time starting up again, and merging in to the rotary traffic. On weekends and holidays traffic often wouldn’t move at all but –on the positive side, with nobody going anyplace accidents were few and far between.

With the new construction however, you don’t have the time to ponder what lies ahead. You’re doing the limit (about 75) when suddenly you run into construction, then encounter a few odd international signs, then the big swerve over, and right after that you run smack-dab in to the rotary.
I’m not showing off my extensive vocabulary here: smack-dab is exactly the right term. Cars slow, swerve, merge and then –smack-dab the car ahead of them, and smack-dab the cars to their right and left.

Smack-dab, smack-dab, smack-dab, screeunch!

Maybe they call it a fly-over because every Friday night the choppers are flying over the scene.
“This is Chip Chapstick high over Three in LiveFiveChopperOne reporting that there’s been another accident at the Sagamore Smack-Dab that has traffic backed up to Portland, Maine”.

I think they should have left well enough alone.
The rotary was working just fine thank you.
For hotel owners the existence of the rotary meant that tourists wouldn’t risk being late and losing their reservations and so would confirm ahead of time.
For permanent residents of the Cape the rotary meant that only so many of those so called ‘summer people’ could actually make it over the bridge every day. And that doesn’t even count the number of people who avoided the Cape altogether because they couldn’t deal with the rotary in the first place.
Let’s be honest: it’s a well known fact that rotary’s scare people in to taking alternative routes. A local member of the Thatched Roof Party has told me on super secret double background that the government is secretly exploring the possibility of using traffic rotaries in southern border states to reduce the amount of illegal immigrants.
Sooner or later though, the ‘Fly-Over’will be completed. They have to finish: the construction company has already spent the money from this job on their next big project – finishing Route 44.
When they do finish though, don’t expect any tangible improvements: because of the elimination of the rotary and all the publicity about this ‘Fly Over’ I predict that even more people are going to drive to the Cape, just to experience the thrill.
Instead of choosing the Cape for their vacation because of its quaint charms and beautiful beaches, they’ll choose to come just to experience the amazing ‘Fly-Over’.
And then Cape businesses will get on board, and begin promoting the Cape like it’s an amusement park.

“This summer”, a dramatic new ad campaign will begin, “don’t just drive to your vacation. FLY-OVER!”

Soon thereafter traffic trying to get to the Cape will become unbearable again, necessitating the creation of more rotaries to scare folks away, followed shortly by more Swerve-Overs to slow them down, more Smack-Dabs for the sake of the local auto body repair shops, and a dramatic increase in Helicopter traffic.
In fact government employment statistics predict that there will be a dramatic need for traffic copter pilots and copter personalities in the next decade, especially on the Cape.
When that happens I am going to bite the bullet and dish out the cash for a tunnel pass. It’s either that or stay on this side of the bridge and amuse myself by watching the tourists taking off and landing.