The Billington Memorial Freeways

Members of the Society for the Protection of Clichés (SPOC) are planning to disrupt the ribbon cutting ceremony marking the official opening of the new Route 44.
SPOC members believe that with the ability to travel quickly from Plymouth to Middleboro, residents of our historic community are perilously close to being able to ‘get there from here’, casting doubt on the veracity of one our regions most famous clichés and, possibly, endangering our very way of life.
“Our quaint customs and cultural eccentricities provide the rest of the nation with some important comic relief,” SPOC President Homer Kingsbury told this reporter last week. “But behind every joke, there’s a kernel of truth. And the truth here is that we New Englanders treasure our isolation.”
“Efficient highways and mass transit are the enemies of that isolation”, Kingsbury continued, “and that’s why we feel it necessary to take this unprecedented action.”
Despite the signs, no one –not even the SPOC, thought this day would ever arrive.
The New Route 44 has been in the planning stages for the last 300 years but, until this century, had never actually progressed beyond vague suggestions and election promises.
Even when the first section was finished several years ago, the delay in completing the connecting roadway was widely assumed to be proof of that famous old adage’s ‘truth’.
Besides, local wits had argued, the real reason the first section of the road was constructed, was so that Wal-Mart could have its own thirty million dollar exit ramp.
At this moment Exit 7 off the Expressway remains a glorified driveway – where wayward commuters find they are limited to a choice of a trip to the Super-Duper Wal-Mart, several gravel operations, the Independence Mall, or an endless, giddy loop de loop between each.
It appears that this circus ride is finally about to come to an end- but questions remain.
Will faster translate in to an improved quality of life?
Will Carver finally get their share of parking lots and abandoned strip malls?
Will this just be another excuse for building another dozen Dunkin Donuts?
And more importantly, shouldn’t Monopoly games have a Cement Truck along with the sports car, top hat, and battleship?

Speaking of Top Hats, on the press release listing the dignitaries expected for the upcoming ribbon cutting ceremony, representatives of Wal-Mart are conspicuously absent. This seems to lend credence to the rumor that, given that they no longer have a ‘captive audience’, plans are already underway to abandon the new super-sized Wal-Mart for Clark Island, which corporate officials allegedly have purchased and renamed Sam’s Island.
Rumors aside, now that the old ‘new’ 44 is about to open, a new problem has emerged: what should they call the old new road, and/or how should we refer to the new ‘old’ 44?
To local residents who have experienced the epic saga of Route 44 firsthand, what the new and old roads are called is a critical issue. They know that the so-called New 44 is actually not so new, having been conceived during the Revolutionary War, designed during the Eisenhower administration, and finally completed a millennium later.
The new 44 will connect to a not-as-new section that runs from Carver to Middleboro, an even older segment that runs from Middleboro to Taunton, and a road that is 44 by name only, meandering from Taunton to Providence without rhyme or reason.
Taking all of this history into account, I feel the old new section should be called The Billington Highway, in honor of the two Billington brothers -passengers on the Mayflower, who became famous for their complete lack of a sense of direction
I would also suggest that the new old section – the quaint, dangerous roadway that still winds past an endless series of cemeteries, ponds and campgrounds through West Plymouth into North Carver, also be called The Billington Highway.
Calling both roads by the same name would create confusion as to how you actually get ‘there from here’ or ‘here from there’, allaying the fears of SPOC members.
Deliberately confusing travelers from outside of the area, would also ensure that at least a modicum of tourists become lost, and are forced to stop at Billington Highway’s famous used book and cranberry gift shops, to ask for directions.

Confused?
Lost?
Looking for the going out of business sale at the old new Super-Sized Wal-Mart?
At least the price of gas is coming down.