Things I Would Never Do in Private For Some Reason I Will Do If I Get on TV Day

I don’t want to give up my vacation days, gosh no: but if wishes were fishes I’d sure to like to know what or why I was celebrating every once in a blue moon.
This week will serve as a perfect example of the mixed metaphors, religious myths, ancient history and artificial patriotism that supposedly serve as inspiration for our so-called modern holidays.
First you had the odd mix of colonial commemoration that just concluded –a mélange of Patriots Day and Evacuation Day, Minuteman Minute, and George Bush’s Mission Accomplishment of the Month – none of which stirs my blood.
Then, before you can take down the bunting and plant your daffodils, along comes the so-called hip-hop Easter Bunny – an individual of indeterminate sex, eccentric habit, and suspicious hours who, according to informed sources, was last seen offering chocolates to a six year old.
Then there’s Passover and Easter Sunday – important religious holidays that, if we’re honest with ourselves, don’t get the press that the Marathon receives in these parts.
Yes, yes, yes, I understand the significance of these holidays but, again, I am not sure that they get nearly the attendance that the Red Sox did this past Monday.
And we can’t forget this holy week, as tens of thousands of devout New Englanders migrate to Tampa or St. Pete to worship the trinity of Mickey, Minnie, and Jose Cuervo.
The point again, is not to denigrate the ancient roots of our modern holidays or diminish the value of religion, but rather to ask, rhetorically, ‘can’t we come up with something a little closer to home’?
Though the harvest and the moon and the movement of the stars no longer affect our lives, we still need holidays that underline our everyday existence
What about PC Day?
Imagine the crowds that would gather spontaneously at the mall, and the sales incentives we might find, for a holiday that celebrates the day when owners of personal computers first threw off their shackles and demanded a machine that didn’t need to be rebooted every time you tried to actually use it for the fabled ‘multimedia’?
So what that this famous uprising never actually took place: there is no Easter Bunny, but that hasn’t hurt chocolate sales.
Or how about a three-day weekend holiday in honor of SPAM? Not the lard-entombed mystery meat of old, but the never-ending river of useless, profane, emails and pop-up messages that somehow can sing, dance, and do all the things that the software you paid big bucks for cannot?
King George, Caesar, Sadie Hawkins, Columbus and Abe Lincoln himself –while still worthy of serious study, don’t hold the interest of the average man in the modern world: while Johnny Damon, Donald Trump, Monty Python, Paris Hilton, and Brittney Spears are sure to draw a crowd wherever they appear (as long as you throw in free samples of Lite Beer and a wet corporate logo contest).
How would you feel about a National I Hate Celebrities Day, in which everyone dresses up as the famous person they least admire but would most like to be?
Or how about an ‘I Feel Stupid Having Spent So Much Money for this Hummer Day’, on which owners of Yellow Hummers with tinted windows drive their vehicles into their above ground pools while playing old disco music on their massive subwoofers?
I just feel very strongly that, while it is nice to have a break from our every day routines, whatever the excuse, it would be much more satisfying if at the same time we acknowledged the demons and delights of our age –not relics of the past.
National I Got Laid Off Again Week, would really be a winner, I think, and would give executives of the two remaining corporations in America an annual opportunity to express their appreciation to the tireless temps who keep buying the excuse that as soon as the corporation cuts its costs and gets on a level playing field with its foreign competition the layoffs will end.
(Whew! That sentence was its own three-day weekend!)
It’s Those Damn Illegal Immigrants Again Day would be a great excuse for people who already have trailers, to drive their mobile homes to the closest border and protect us against people willing to stand all day and gut fish for $10 an hour.
Please don’t argue that there aren’t enough Mondays in the year to accommodate all the new holidays I am proposing: a country that can order people to save daylight, and then give it back again, on cue, can certainly decree that certain Tuesdays are Monday too, if needed.
And if the Tivo subscribers out there raise too much of a stink about us throwing off their recording schedules, we can consolidate: is it really necessary to give separate holidays to Flag Day, Veterans Day, Memorial Day, and Armed Forces Day?
Don’t worry: I am not preaching anarchy.
You will still have your precious three-day weekends, your school vacations, religious holidays and the occasional Fertility Friday.
But let’s make room for Diet of the Week Day, Corporate Malfeasance Week, Outsource a Friend’s Job Month, Mortgage Deduction Day, and Things I Would Never Do in Private For Some Reason I Will Do If I Get on TV Day.
Let’s celebrate this life, this age, this week’s guests on Oprah. They may not be especially meaningful, but at least they will be our holidays.