The American Wii

I’ve got my Wii, but it wasn’t easy, or should I say, it wasn’t easii.

I struck out using the traditional methods of shopping – that is, going to the store and saying, ‘I’d like one of those, pliise’.
I’m pretty stubborn: I actually spent a week going from store to store, thinking that was how it was done.
The clerk at the Wal-Mart just laughed and turned awii.
The associate at Target actually looked a little perturbed.
The Geek at Best Buy looked furtively from side to side, and then gave me her business card.
“No problemii”, she whispered, then winked.
Humiliated and running low on gas, I gave up.
When I got home from my last attempt to physically shop, I went online and typed in the URL that the Geek had on her card.
A brand new Wii, in an unopened box, could be had for just $1100.
I passed.
The next morning I got up at dawn and drove Plymouth’s very own ‘Green Mile’: you know, the ten mile strip of national retail box stores that stretches from Long Pond Road, to Route 80, down Colony Place, and up to the Kingston border.
I was looking for the tell-tale signs that a Wii may have been spotted nearby.
The Five’s were totally Wii-less.
Circuit City and Wal-Mart were quiet, too quiet.
Best Buy was closed, but around the backside of the mall I found that Target was encircled by a long line of carefree teens, disoriented grandparents, and well meaning but late-arriving fathers – in that order.
Pathetically, I joined the line and waited for an hour until the official announcement that they had only 15 units to sell.
I felt like Marlon Brando in ‘On the Waterfront’: beaten down, left out in the cold, not even a contendah.
What’s a guy got to do to get one of those things?
Where was Karl Malden when you needed him?
I drove home and immediately called my Tech Guru, PeeVee: my sister’s thirteen year old son.
PeeVee was kind, though I sensed that he too was smirking, on the other end of the line.
Reluctantly, he told me about a special ‘bot’ that constantly scoured the Internet for Wii tracks, and reported every sighting via email.
“But you have to be quick,” he said, like a Vet delivering the bad news about old Fido, “or they’ll be gone.”
Despite PeeVee’s pessimism, I endeavored to persevere.
I logged on, signed up, and waited.
Five were spotted at Amazon.com, but before I could click on ‘Add to Cart’, that phrase disappeared, replaced momentarily (I swear) by “Too Slow, Old Fahrt”.
Seven were spotted at Best Buy’s Web Site, but when the page loaded the image wouldn’t click.
I rolled my mouse from top to bottom, hoping that they had left a minute section of the image clickable, but the pointer never changed.
Four were available on E-Bay, but the price was still above my pay grade.
After an hour of that particular torture, I was ready to give up.
A Playstation 2 could be had for cheap money, I told myself.
There were X-Boxes aplenty, stacked up behind the glass door.
Instead of giving up though, I made one last try.
I went on the ‘Black Net’, and used the illegal search engine “Gurgle”.
I typed in “Wii Wii Wii, All the Way Home”.
The screen went black, a synthesized fanfare sounded, and a web site that appeared to originate from Inner Mongolia appeared on the screen.
There was a picture of a Yurt – the round, portable home that nomadic Mongolians live in, and in the middle of the one big round room a family of five was playing video games.
…
So I got my Wii, but I think I got much more in the bargain.
It’s like I have a whole new familii.
I don’t see much of Lao-Tsi, his wife, or their three kids, but we stay in close touch as he travels the country, buying the hottest items.
I provide the cash, as needed.
He’s got it all over the competition – even well-to-do teens. He and his family can camp out for weeks, if need be, in their Yurt.
When the goods move to another store, or another mall, the Yurt and family pack up easily on to three ponies.
And with five family members, even being restricted to one Wii, or Playstation, or Elmo per customer, has no effect on our profitability.
I know a lot of people are upset that illegal immigrants are taking our jobs, using our services, crowding our schools.
But you’ve got to love a people willing to stand in line so you can stay home and play video games.
It’s the American wii.