Givin in to the 'bim'

The Chinese have their ‘chi’, the Japanese their ‘Zen’. But we westerners have our own unseen power, controlling our lives, dominating the airwaves.
I’m giving in to the ‘bim’.
One of my favorite sayings – stolen from the sixties comedy group Firesign Theatre, is “well, it’s a little like bees living in your head but, there they are.”
It is a little like having bees living in your head though, isn’t it? But instead of bees, it’s bimbos. There are swarms of bimbos buzzing ‘round our heads, bimbos buzzing on every channel, everywhere you click.
For some reason I think I would feel better if their names all began with B: Brittany, Baris, Banana Nicole.
Anyway, instead of fighting against their power, I’m abandoning my worn out principles and accepting the inevitable. Instead of arguing for a volunteer ban on bimbos in the news, I’m embracing Banana Nicole and her band of brainless, bra-less, beauties. Instead of asking for anti-bimbo legislation, I now believe that we should all do everything we can to bring all these Bambis into the mainstream.
Let’s stop the fruitless arguments as to their importance: clearly, they are the most important cultural phenomenon of this century.
Let’s stop criticizing their B-havior: obviously, our uncontrollable obsession with everything they do and say reveals our deep-seated envy of everything about them.
So, where do we start?
Despite the importance of Bimbos in our society, we still like to pretend that what they do and say is, well, ridiculous. So it is going to be difficult for people to publicly admit the truth: that our devotion to them is at least as silly as they are.
I propose that first, we change our calendar.
I’m not asking that we adopt a certain style of dress (we already conform to their fashion norms), or learn to speak a new language (the official language of the United States is already ‘bimboese’). No, I simply propose changing calendars, and then maybe the clocks, and go from there.
It has always seemed strange to me that we honor dead Romans and their gods – for the most part, by naming the months of the year after them. When was the last time you saw a video of Caesar Augustus getting out of his chariot, obviously intoxicated, on YouTube?
So, instead of Janus, I propose re-naming the first month of the year, Marilyn, for the goddess of Bimbos, Marilyn Monroe.
Yes, yes, I know, Marilyn was more than just a bimbo: but to her devotees she is the origin, the source, the fountainhead of all bimbolisciousness.
February I’d propose re-naming for Helen of Troy.
Okay, so I’m back pedaling a bit. Helen of Troy doesn’t have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, though their standards seemed to have slipped a bit of late. But the ideas on which our society are based, originated - in large part, with the Greeks. And there was no bigger bimbo in all of Greek literature than Helen.
And speaking of the month of Helen, I think we need to address this 28 day except on Leap Year thing. To make it easier on the Bimbawannabees out there, all the months of Bimbo should be 28 days long.
Is there anything more painful than watching the expression on a bimbos face when they try to figure things out: things like how many days in the month, what to tip the bouncer, and where they left their panties?
And with the 29 days left over every year, we can establish an entire invisible month during which Bimbos – and those with the necessary resources, can go into rehab, no questions asked.
The only real problem I foresee is naming the remaining months. You can’t just use any bimbo: these have to be the very cream of the crop, not just the flavor of the month. Baris, I mean Paris, seems a natural – now: but when she gets out of jail – will we still care? Britanny once seemed a classic bimbo: but of late she seems a bit desperate to make the grade. And what about what Seinfeld liked to call “Mimbos” - male bimbos: what about a month, for example, named for Elvis? He was one of the first, and greatest, male bimbos – though he lived at a time when the press didn’t stalk people the way they do today. And what about our old pal Bill, Clinton that is: I don’t think the fact that he’s intelligent, rules him out. But then again, Bill’s gotten too damned serious of late. Then again, he is the only Presidential Bimbo in history - unless you count Kennedy, or Herbert Hoover, or Van Heflin.
Okay, instead of March, the third month will be named for Elvis, and April will now be called Bubba. And what the heck – Banana Nicole just couldn’t help herself, so let’s name May, Banana.
Madonna? No, everything that happened to Madonna was planned – by Madonna. That’s Brittany’s problem of late too, as I see it. Britanny should just let it happen. Angelina was on the right track – for a while, but as soon as she and Brad got together, she started saving the world, adopting children, and getting all serious.
Maybe I’m still missing the point too. Maybe I need to loosen up. Instead of establishing regular bimbo months, perhaps we should just declare the month for a particular bimbo, after the fact: kind of like player of the month. In that case, I guess we’ve got to go with Paris this month – no matter how her last days in jail go.
Yeah, that’s the ticket: the Bimbo of the Month will be chosen at the end of every month – depending on who gets the most press coverage in the previous month.
Can you handle it? Can you keep up with it? You certainly can’t escape it, so why don’t you just give in to the bim?
You can search CNN, and MSNBC, and even CSPAN for the news, but sooner or later you’re going to have to admit, this is the Age of the Bimbo.