A Presidential Intervention

Dubya, we want you to know that you’re among friends, and that we are gathered here today, not out of anger, but out of concern for your well being.
We want to say, up front, that no one here is talking impeachment. Yes – let’s be honest, there have been those who have used that word, but we here today are all agreed that impeachment is neither an appropriate, nor a constructive option.
You’re a good person.
You’re a loving father.
Everything you have done, all the damage that has been done in your name, during your administration, we believe, has been as a result of your addiction to Presidential authority.
This then is an intervention, not an impeachment. We do not want you removed from office – we simply want to provide a place for you to spend the final months of your Presidency, where you will be cared for, and where you will not have easy access to the authority that has caused your family, friends, and the American people, so much harm over the last six years.
We are ready to send you there.
We have a room reserved for you.
We have all chipped in, and this will not cost you a cent. And in terms of the American people, overall, we’ll save billions.
Ultimately though, this has to be your decision – your final decision as Commander in Chief. But before you make up your mind, there are a few people who have expressed a desire to let you know how they feel.
First, we’re going to hear from your former rival, the man who should have been declared President in 2000, Al Gore.

“I’m going to get right to the point, Dubya old friend. Take a good look around you – at this beautiful country of ours. Record temperatures, drought, floods, New Orleans: do I have to say more? I think you mean well, old friend. You talked a good game – back in 2000: Compassionate Conservatism, you called it. Face it, friend, you need help.”

Thanks Al. Now George, we’re going to hear from your old friend and confidant, the Reverend Billy Graham.

“George. I’ve advised world leaders since the days of old Ike Eisenhauer, who by the way was nearly as thick as you – and in all that time I’ve never met a King or a Prime Minister or a President as stubborn as you, son. In six years, despite debacle after debacle, you have never admitted to one mistake. Oh sure, you said you regretted the words you used, on occasion. But it’s not the words son – it’s the deeds. Your deeds give the lie to your words, son.“

Thanks Reverend Graham. Now George we’re going to hear from a surprise guest, your father, #41, George the First.

“What the hell is going on, Georgie? I didn’t go into Baghdad, so you had to? You had to show me that you were smarter, right? Heck son, you were President of the Texas Rangers and look how well they’ve done. You ‘d do as well to put a Major League team in Iraq. Who wants to sit out in the middle of the desert, baking in the Arlington sun, and watch the Rangers lose? I really don’t think you were ever qualified to be President son. I didn’t say it at the time, well, because I thought that boy Karl could turn a turnip into a President. But really son, you were unprepared. Being Governor of Texas is like being Sheriff of Tombstone: you arrest the drunks and let the bad guys fight it out in the streets. Hell son, you’d have made a damn good Mayor of Baghdad with your experience: just smile and pass the hookah hose - but President of the United States? What are you, on crack? You want to stay in Iraq because otherwise it will be like Vietnam? You been to Vietnam lately, son? The best thing we did for them was get the heck out of Dodge. We killed a million Vietnamese. Should we have stayed and killed more, lost more of our own? I don’t get it son. You’re not making any sense. You’re still a Texas Turnip son, you’ve just been boiled and mashed.”

Thank you Mr. President. And now.. Mr. President, your wife wants to say a few words.

“George, look at me, I’m talking to you! George, you know I’m thankful for our life together, our two beautiful girls. When I met you I was a school teacher, and I have to thank God – and you George, that I am not still a school teacher, forced to spend the whole year teaching to the No Child Left Behind test, for a salary that first year college graduates would turn their noses up at. George, I have to say that you are the most anti-intellectual person I have ever known. You reject what your scientific advisers tell you, what your medical advisers tell you, what your foreign policy experts tell you, and instead you rely on what you are told by preachers, pollsters, professional bureaucrats, and angry old ideologues. You don’t have an administration George, you have a gang, and frankly, dear, they’re making a fool of you. They’ll all just fade away and write books in the next year or two – leave you hanging. You need to go away too George, you need to get away from all the bad influences in your life. Please, George, please, go away now.

Thank you Laura. And now George, it’s decision time. Are you ready to get the help you need, and by doing so, help your fellow Americans. Or are you going to stumble your way through another 18 months, pretending to have a plan – trying desperately to pass off your screw-ups on the next administration. What’s it going to be George? There’s still time to do what’s right. There’s still time to see the light. What’s it going to be?