Option Seven

Don’t be fooled by the six so-called options for a revitalized Plymouth High School system, that were unveiled before a gathering of town officials this past week.
Though thousands have already been spent on blow-ups of aerial photographs, reprints of sewerage study statistics, and for hundreds of those cute little colored plastic report folders, the worst-kept secret in town is that -- waiting in the wings for the inevitable rejection of those first six options, is a stupendous, unique, and never before seen lucky seventh option that will finally put Plymouth back on the map – just in time for the Quadrennial Celebrations in 2020.
What is that lucky seventh?
Well, first, let’s look at just how bad the first six really are (wink wink, nod nod):
Option One calls for utilizing the catacombs beneath the old North High School for religious studies, and for allowing out of towners to pay to have their oppressed Episcopalians and Methodists attend as well. Then, with the fees paid by the out of towners, the town would build a new school above the catacombs, sealing in the out of towners until and unless they pay an additional fee.
Option One also calls for a third high school to be built, at Pine Hills, at their resident’s expense, and for their children only.
Option Two calls for the town to take the Pine Hills by eminent domain, convert their imitation town green into a school for the arts, connect Plymouth South High School’s septic system to the Pine Hill Affluent Effluent District, and let North High School continue to deteriorate until actually forced to take action by the State.
Option Three creates what is referred to as the Guantanamo-by-the-Bay School Zone, in which unnamed students in unknown numbers could be kept in open-air buildings and taught by masked military men posing as educators.
Option Four kicks the kids out of the South Intermediate School, converts it into a high school, takes the Waverly Oaks clubhouse, converts it into a high school, takes the Plymouth South High School and converts it into a high school, and takes the old North High School and turns into the official residence for the Lord Mayor of Plymouth.
Option Five has Plymouth declaring education optional, and converting all of the former high schools into minimum security prisons to house the expected rise in Congressional convicts.
Option Six is to save all of the money that would have been spent on new or rebuilt high schools and instead, use it to lobby the national government for the re-institution of the draft, thereby removing a major segment of the high school population and rendering moot the need for additional structures.
Option Seven?
Well, first let’s discuss the parameters under which the architectural design firm was operating.
While they had been given a great deal of latitude in coming up with their options, they were told that any design they proposed must meet three minimal criteria.
First, it must be inexpensive to build.
Second, it must be inexpensive to operate.
And third, it must require a very long construction phase, over a minimum of ten years, so that the town never had to ask the town’s people for an override.

High School at Sea!
The secret seventh option, and you heard it here first, is for the town to purchase the Queen Mary and have it refitted for academic purposes.
Plans are already underway to have the Queen Mary winter in the deep harbor adjacent to Cordage Park, thereby allowing town residents to tour the facilities.
Even in its present configuration, the entire student body –including the increases in school population expected over the next 50 years, can be housed and schooled within its decks.
Furthermore the entire high school population can be taken on an extended cruise from September to June, with the summer and vacation breaks utilized for paying customers. Imagine that, the entire high school population spirited away, like the children in the Pied Piper!
While in town, the ship will serve a major tourist attraction, taking day cruises to Nantucket and Martha’s Vineyard, and instantaneously increasing the town’s hotel space by hundreds of rooms whenever it is docked.
Inexpensive to build –only minor retrofitting required.
Inexpensive to operate: all costs offset by paying customers.
And not requiring an override vote.

“It’s a win-win situation,” one leading opponent of just about everything told this reporter on condition of anonymity. “No more fancy schools, no more grubby kids, plenty of parking spaces to go around!”