Pluto Traded for Utility Infielder

A planet is a celestial body that (a) is in orbit around the Sun, (b) has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a hydrostatic equilibrium (nearly round) shape, and (c) has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit.

I am very worried about the recent demotion of Pluto, from full planet to ‘dwarf’.
And I am outraged that a group of scientists think that they had the right to do this in the first place.
If these so called ‘astronomers’ wanted to get together in Prague – at their own expense, have a few beers after a long day of postulating and argue among themselves as to what makes a planet a planet, that would be fine.
And that is exactly why Prague was established.
Above the Danube, atop the famous Pilsnerkirch in Prague, is a solid gold statue created by an anonymous 14th century artisan, depicting a drunken astronomer holding a beer stein in one hand, and a telescope in the other.
Astronomy and beer have gone hand in hand for 600 years.
Like beer and sports.
It’s perfectly alright for Red Sox fans to hang out at the local pub, arguing about Manny, or Papi, making outrageous statements, proposing ridiculous trades.
But you don’t see sports fans traveling to far off places and issuing scientific proclamations.
Astronomers are the planet’s biggest fans, and they are entitled to their opinions: but they shouldn’t be allowed to make roster changes.
That’s anarchy!
The only people that should be allowed to change Pluto’s status, are the Plutonians themselves.
This is the kind of thing that got us into trouble in Iraq.
It’s neo-colonialism, on a larger scale.
Just because Pluto’s orbit is not as symmetrical as Neptune’s, or able to generate sufficient gravity, these know-it-all astronomers think they can just issue a statement and, poof, the universe has been changed.
This is planetary racism.
Who’s to say Pluto isn’t a planet, and Earth is?
I’ve known a lot of celestial bodies that didn’t have sufficient mass for their own self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that they assume a hydrostatic equilibrium or - nearly round shape, but they had good hearts.
Does every celestial body in this, and any solar system, have to conform to the fashion of the day?
If so, there are going to be a lot of bulimic planets, making a big show of chowing down at the cosmic buffet, but then sneaking off to the outer reaches of their orbit and spewing all sorts of debris into that porcelain space called the Milky Way.
Is that how we want our planets to behave?
We’ve got to break free of celestial stereotypes.
It doesn’t matter if you have an atmosphere, oceans, or mountains made of molten magma: what matters is how you treat other planets.
Pluto is a far cooler name, for a planet.
Earth sounds like, well, like dirt: doesn’t it?
Venus is a bit old-fashioned, but I still like ‘venutian’.
If I had a house in Prague overlooking the Danube I’d cover my windows with Venutian Blinds – in honor of the role astronomy has played in its history.
Jupiter, is a bit pompous sounding, but then, it’s a pompous kind of planet.
Heck, you know, while we’re at it we might as well rename the planets.
Or sell them off.
Nike is both a classical name, and a corporation that could afford to sponsor a whole planet: I think they’d probably want Saturn though, and would do their best turn the rings into a nice big ‘swoosh’.
Mercury would have been great for Ford, but the automaker’s stock is falling fast so, what about a planet called Old Navy, circled by the twin moons of Cargo Pants and Fleece Sweaters?
Wal-Mart would be a natural, but I think the other planets would object to a Wal-Mart in their part of the solar system. And you wouldn’t want to let them have a planet and, just a few years later, discover they are moving to a bigger planet, abandoning the old one.
I’m being a bit flip here, I know, but only to make the point that by tampering with Pluto we are messing with some serious stuff.
We have an entire generation that has been raised on Pluto being the ninth and final planet in our solar system.
My father is a member of that generation. He was eight years old when Pluto was first formally elected a planet. He’s had to endure some shocking changes in his eighty-plus years, but I don’t think it’s fair to take one of his planets away.
My Very Excellent Mother Just Sent Us Nine Pizzas
That’s the ‘mnemonic’ dad was taught as a child, to help him remember the number and order of the planets.
Most Venusians Eat Martian Jalapenos Seared Using Napalm
And that’s the new mnemonic proposed by the Union of Concerned Brewers and Astronomers.
Dad doesn’t trust the Internet. And after this, I fear he won’t trust our solar system either.
And that’s hitting close to home.
I guess that’s my point. You can’t willy-nilly change anything in this world, or on any other world, and think that there won’t be repercussions, ramifications, unexpected outcomes, unintended consequences.
I remember when the Red Sox traded pitcher Bill ‘The Spaceman’ Lee to Montreal, for Stan Papi. Lee was a 17-game winner, and a lefty to boot, but he really didn’t fit in to what was then a very conservative baseball culture, or get along with then Red Sox Manager Don ‘The Gerbil’ Zimmer (who always had sufficient mass to assume a nearly round shape).
In a way, Lee was our Pluto: out there at the edge of the solar system, on a not quite elliptical orbit, and yet still an important part of the team: one of the nine.
We never should have traded the Spaceman. He may be the only one who knows how Pluto really feels.