Scariest Night of the Year

What are you going to dress up as this year?
Something scary?
Who are you going to vote for?
They’re the same thing stupid.
Or haven’t you been listening to our own Lieutenant Governor, Fairly Sleezy?
Oh, I am sorry, did I mispronounce her name?
My son asked if we would buy him some heelies. No, we said, they leave marks on the floor.
Well, then, can I at least vote for a Heelie, he asked?
That’s the spirit: if you can’t beat them, scare them.
Speaking of spooks, did you see the film of Rush Limbaugh revealing that Michael J. Fox was faking his Parkinsons’ symptoms for political effect?
What a laugh: Rush was flapping his arms and rolling back and forth, tilting his head one way and then the other.
And then he did his imitation of Fox.
Watching Rush I was reminded of the Wizard of Oz, and thinking that if Rush had been behind the screen, that wimpy, mincing Scarecrow would never have been elected Mayor of Emerald City.
Rush knows all, sees all.
For example, Rush knows all about faking medical symptoms in order to qualify for those real good pharmaceuticals.
Funny though, I went all over town and I couldn’t find a Rush costume for rent. The closest I could come, was The Thing.
Maybe I’ll dress up as Michael J. Fox this year: Lord knows he scares a lot of people.
Rush used to scare a lot of people too: now they just grimace.
It’s getting harder and harder to scare people, in my opinion.
But that doesn’t stop them from trying.
Congressional Republicans say that if a sixty year old grandmother from San Francisco becomes the Speaker of the House, the end is near.
They don’t specify which ‘end’ they are talking about though: the end of free golf in Guam courtesy of Jack Abramoff; the end of free beer at the annual Conservative Caucus Polka Party and Prayer Meeeting; or the end of the world?
They’re not too concerned about Osama running around free in the mountains of Afghanistan, but that senior citizen from San Fran has them really worried.
Nancy Pelosi Halloween masks are selling briskly in the Congressional Gift Shop, but across the country they aren’t too much in demand.
Now Dick Cheney masks, those are scary: expensive too, with the shotgun.
Surprisingly, George W. Bush masks don’t sell very well either: not scary enough.
I think it’s the ‘Boy Who Cried Wolf’ effect. He was scary when he threatened us with compassionate conservatism. He was scary when he told us that Brownie was on the job down New Orleans. He was even scary when he showed us charts and satellite photos that proved that Saddam had specially outfitted Hummers in which he could pop substantial amounts of Kettle Corn and sell it below market prices.
But he went to that well once too often.
Admit it, when you hear him say ‘cut and run’, or ‘stay the course’, or ‘if my Generals need more kettle corn, they’ll get more kettle corn,’ you can’t help but snicker, just a little.
So sales of ‘W’ masks are way down.
In fact, from what I am hearing sales of all the traditional fright masks – from vampires to former Presidents, are way down this year.
Evil is down, but Humor is up.
So I think that I am going to stick with my original idea.
Two friends and I are going door to door as Moe, Larry, and Curly – the Axis of Evil.
We’ve only got one big plastic nuke, but we’re going to pass it back and forth, and while we do, we’re going to yell out, ‘Moe, Larry, the Cheese, Moe, Larry, the Cheese!’.
I understand George W. is a big Stooges fan too.
If he doesn’t have another costume picked out, we’d be willing to let him go poll to poll with us: he can be the fourth Stooge, Curly George.
We’ve got a big night planned.
First we’re going to TP (toilet paper) Saddam’s house in Houston, then call in fake exit polling data to CBS, then build a big wall out of fishing lure along the Mexican border and laugh as the unsuspecting Walmart employees run smack into it in the dark.
It’s the one night of the year when you can get away with these things.
No, not Halloween.
Election night.
Boo!