Foaming at the Mouth

There’s Soothing Aloe in my shaving cream, but I am not sure that I am getting the full effect.

I thought of leaving the shaving cream on for a few minutes, before I shaved – to let the Aloe do its thing, but I really haven’t got the time.
Besides, there’s nothing in the instructions, on the can, about giving the Aloe more time.
I’m worried, and not just about skin irritation.
I’m worried that the Aloe is hanging out with the wrong crowd.
I checked out the fine print: the Aloe is fifth in line, in its gang of ingredients.
Water is number one, followed by Stearic Acid, Triethanolamine (TEA), and Laureth-23.
Coincidentally, I used to date a girl named Laureth-23.
Anyway, in this particular can I am not sure if Aloe –even Soothing Aloe, feels comfortable speaking up.
When I was a lot younger, the guys I used to hang with were a bit uncomfortable with the soothing side of the emotional spectrum, especially in large groups.
It could also be that Stearic Acid, TEA, and Laureth, are simply not giving Aloe the opportunity to fully express herself.
When it comes to shaving cream – I am told, it’s all about the foam.
The Stearic Acid – a naturally occurring fat, is the foam’s foundation. The TEA whips it up. And Laureth-23 adds a final, if insincere touch.
Soothing Aloe?
My sense is that Soothing Aloe’s only real contribution - to this particular brand of shaving cream, is like that of an old jock selling insurance.
Hey, whether we want to admit it or not, fame is still a powerful tool in advertising’s arsenal.
There’s a reason why Buick pays Tiger, and Hanes pays Jordan.
The truth is that, if I had to choose whether to buy shaving cream from - say, my old girlfriend Laureth-23, or the well-known Soothing Aloe, it’s going to be Aloe almost every time.
That is of course, until it dawns on me that I am being taken for a ride, so to speak.
I don’t usually go around questioning the ingredients in the products I use. I take it for granted that they are there for a reason.
But if you can’t trust Soothing Aloe, it makes you think.
What ingredients can you trust?
Is there really any vanilla, in Vanilla Coke?
And even if Vanilla is there, is it just a token natural ingredient, there to give the others some cover: like Secretary of State Colin Powel, in the Bush Administration?
Or maybe I have the wrong metaphor in mind.
Maybe a product’s ingredients are like rabbits and flowers and silk handkerchiefs: the items hidden in the magician’s cloak, before he even starts the show.
Each ingredient has its own part in the show, and all contribute incrementally, to achieving the desired effect – to the magic.
Even so, given the way that it is billed on the can, Soothing Aloe is clearly supposed to be the big number, the rabbit out of the hat. So when the rabbit that emerges is a bit scraggly, or worse – the overall effect is less than stirring.
And when the magic is gone, you begin to question everything, even whether you are getting a good, close shave.
I am reminded of Rocky and Bullwinkle – a flying squirrel and a moose, respectively. They never had their own shaving cream, but they had their own show – a half hour cartoon, back when that was truly a radical idea.
They used to segue to commercial with a little 15-second cartoon, all its own.
“Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat,” Bullwinkle would say.
“Again?”, the flying squirrel would whine, with real exasperation.
And always - instead of a cute, harmless rabbit, an angry rhinoceros or a roaring lion would appear.
Rocky and Bullwinkle seemed to winking at the audience, saying, ‘we’re having fun now, sure, but sooner or later the fun has to end and accounts must be settled’.
Face up to it: everything, in our society, has a hidden price.
And that goes double for Soothing Aloe.

Column Ingredients:
Words: You know, words.
Laureth-23: 1. An emulsifier. The polyethylene glycol ether of lauryl alcohol. 2. An old girlfriend. Her family were abstract expressionists.
Soothing Aloe: A popular entertainer in 19th Century England, noted for her perfect complexion

TEA (Triethanolamine): Produced by ammonolysis of ethylene oxide. Neutralizes carbomer solutions to form gels. Neutralizes stearic acid to form anionic emulsions and acts as an alkalizing agent to control pH.
Stearic acid: A common, naturally occurring fatty acid, widely used as an inexpensive primary emulsifying agent. When neutralized with triethanolamine, it functions as a tremendous thickening agent. Its soap-like character enables it to penetrate the skin and to have emollient, skin-softening properties.
Sodium Laureth Suffate: 1. Laureth-23’s mother. 2. The sodium salt of sulfated ethoxylated lauryl alcohol. A high foaming, viscous surfactant, milder to the skin than sodium lauryl sulfate. Excellent cleansing agent for shampoos.
Original Humor: A short-lived froth that neutralizes old girlfriends, forms unattached emulsions, acts as a socializing agent.