I-Pod, Therefore, I Am

I-Pod, therefore, I-Am?
I-m not sure.
I am sure that I am nothing if not an opportunist or, perhaps, an I-Opp.
I know, as Marvin Gaye sang, ‘what’s going on’.
I-do.
Or rather, my I-Know knows, what the download is, fo’ shizzle.
To put it bluntly: The Gadj rule - or rather, the I-Gadj rules.
Totally!
But knowing and, well - to be blunt, profiting, are totally di-fizzle.
And the I-Opportunist in me cannot sit I-diddly by, while others hi-diddle-diddle off with the jack.
So I have come up with my own line of I-Thangs, that an I-freak will not be able to do without.
Actually, just one I-Thang.
I call it, the I-Gone.
What’s it do?
Ah, there’s the rub. What sets the I-Gone apart from the other-I’s out there, is how little, I does.
When others are immin’ and textin, and uploadin, the I-Gone is, for all I-tents and purposes, silent.
When others are watching re-runs of movies that were made for a 400 square foot screen, were re-broadcast on a 30” screen – and are now showing on an eyeball distending 6” screen, the I-Gone is in a kind of permanent sleep mode.
When others are Blue-rayin’ and Berryin’ the Black, the I-Gone is far removed from your service area.
Actually, the real I-dea is that the I-Gone has no service area, or that – to put it in philosophical terms, every one else’s service area is outside of the I-Gone’s, and vice versa.
As they say in New England, you can’t get here, from there.
I-Gone.
Do you see the poss-I-bilities?
What would you pay for this one of a kind, revolutionary product?
$100, $500, $1000?
Wait, there’s more.
Only through advanced, evolutionary, genetic engineering was this non-technological breakthrough possible.
Thousands of years ago, humans were unable to remove themselves from the world in which they found themselves.
Thousands of years ago you were permanently, and irrevocably subject to the vagaries of your pathetic existence.
If a mammoth or a saber tooth or a six-foot mosquito dialed up your number, your number was up!
It took thousands of years for man to be able to remove himself physically, from those vagaries, and just when it was safe to take a quiet walk, alone, in the woods.. someone had to go and invent the cell phone.
Suddenly you could be reached, wherever you were, whatever you were doing.
The same cycle of invention and de-invention continued, for years.
As soon as someone invented Tivo - which allowed you to take back control of your life from the television, someone else invented a way to take television with you, everywhere you went.
Just when four-wheel drive seemed to liberate us from the constraints of the paved road, SUVs let everyone in on it.
But the I-Gone ends all that.
The I-Gone is the only gadj of its kind that has a built-in disconnect.
Got Bluetooth? Sorry, no connection.
Got USB? Sorry, there’s no place to stick it.
Gone infra-red? Whoops, the I-Gone is not visible to the naked or any other I.
It’s a proprietary technology I call, NoWhere KnowHow®.
I cannot be reached for comment.
I cannot be reached.
And even if I could, I would not.
I-Gone.

What would you pay?
Hell, you paid $50 for some damn, newfangled mop.
You pay $100 a month just so you can take out of focus pictures of your out of focus friends and transmit them back and forth to each other.
There’s a price to pay, alright, but I am not sure if anyone is willing to pay it.
I am not sure how many people there are anymore, who value privacy, who believe in the benefits of quiet, and who are confident that – left on their own, they will still have something to say.
We tend to see ourselves only in the context of who we know, what we own, and how many others we can boast about it to - with a click of the mouse.
The great fear today seems to be, fear of invisibility.
But, in a world where almost nothing is private, true invisibility may be the ultimate acquisition.
That’s what I’m selling.
A gadj or state of gadgetry that is rare, unique, and, until today, very elusive.
It’s all about the unknown.
It’s the evolution of the species.
T’s the latest and the greatest gadj of them all.
I-Gone.

(Due to forces outside of our control, I-Thang, Inc., has been unable to ship sufficient quantities of the I-Gone to meet demand. In fact, we have not been able to ship any at all. A small number of I-Gone may be available on unknown dates, at unspecified super stores, or not. When rumors arise, suggesting that the I-Gone will be available on certain dates at certain locations, we ask that potential customers do not camp out or otherwise secure their position outside the rumored venues more than 24 hours prior to the rumored availability. Customers interested in the I-Gone may purchase gift cards for the future purchase of an I-Gone, in any amount, but this in itself does not guarantee the consumer the right to purchase the I-Gone if and when it becomes available, nor does it ‘hold’ a position in a virtual waiting list if and when the I-Gone ships. I-Thangs Inc., does however encourage consumers to spread rumors of the availability of the I-Gone, as this is an inexpensive way for the company to advertise.