Follow Your Nose

"Something is rotten in the state of Denmark."
William Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act 1, Scene 4

Surprise! I am not going to write about President Bush’s decision to spare his dear friend and colleague ‘Scooter’ Libby, from jail, by commuting his sentence.
Come on, admit it: you had me figured as one of those knee-jerk liberals, who can’t pass up an opportunity to ridicule our Commander-in-Chief.
But whatever my political leanings, first and foremost I am an opportunist. For me there is no difference between stories about Anna Nicole, Brittany Spears, or Double-yew Bush. I judge the potential news value of a story - first, by how embarrassing it was for the individual involved; secondly, by how embarrassed they look on camera, and finally, by where Fox News places the story in their nightly broadcast.
In other words, I follow my nose.
On the night that the news of Libby’s commutation (does that make him a commu-tist?) first broke, the local Fox News channel was more interested in promoting their story on the Star Spangled Sweepstakes lottery ticket scandal, than the President’s historic commutation. And so I seriously considered writing my next column about the lottery. At least that story would have had a ‘local angle’. Plymouthians – and Americans in general I think, care more about their lotteries than their politics. And where was the drama in the Scooter story? Everyone knew he would never do any jail time. No one seriously expected the President to go against the wishes of his daddy dearest, Dick Cheney. I even give the President points for consistency: after all, he appointed Paul Wolfowitz - one of the architects of our failed Iraq Strategy, to the Presidency of the World Bank, and selected both General Tommy Franks – who bungled the war on the ground, and CIA head George Tent - who bungled the WMD investigation, to receive the nation’s highest honor - the Medal of Freedom. The least he could do for Libby was give him a “Get Out of Jail Free” card.
When you have lived for seven years with a President who can’t think of any mistakes he might have made – except perhaps for errors of pronunciation, and with an administration that places politics above every other consideration, word that they have closed ranks again to protect one of their own – is not news at all!
Luckily for me though, there was a bigger stink that same day – news that was perfect material for one of my snide, sarcastic, opinionated and none-too-original columns. At almost the same time the President was holding his nose and announcing that he had commuted Scooter’s sentence, in a University of North Carolina greenhouse the Voodoo Lily – otherwise known as the Corpse Flower, began to bloom.
Corpse Flowers only bloom once in every six or seven years, and when they do they emit an odor that has been described as similar to the smell of spoiled meat, bad eggs, and rotting vegetables – all rolled into one. People come from all over just to see – and smell, these huge, foul-smelling flowers. They’re the perfect feature story too, combining embarrassing smells, horticultural education, and freakish, sci-fi sensibilities all in one.
Of course when the University of North Carolina’s Voodoo Lily bloomed at almost the exact same time that President Bush commuted Libby’s sentence, radio show hosts across the country were quick to suggest that it was a liberal conspiracy – that perhaps the lily’s nauseous flowering was a not-too-subtle commentary on the news of the day. But according to horticulturists, the mechanisms that trigger the rare flower to unfold from its tree-sized stem are largely unknown to science, and impossible to predict.
The UNC’s horticulture department – which has a half-dozen Voodoo Lilies, had never had one bloom before.
Before the UNC Voodoo Lily stank up the place, the last one to flower in the United States was in New Orleans, in September of 2005 – ironically, just days after President Bush visited the city following Hurricane Katrina. The exact date of that flowering is unclear, because the location of the New Orleans Voodoo Lilly was in a greenhouse operated by Tulane University, which had been abandoned during the storm.
“We smelled something awful”, a city official told the local press, “but we thought it was due to the storm surge, not the Corpse Flower, or the President’s visit.”
In May of 2003 an indoor exhibit of rare tropical plants and animals – located within the San Diego Zoo, experienced their own Corpse Flower blooming – and had to be shut down for several days until the revolting smell dissipated. Coincidentally, President Bush was in the city that same week, announcing the end of ‘major combat operations in Iraq’ aboard an aircraft carrier in the harbor.
And finally, the only other known blooming of a Voodoo Lily in the United States this century, occurred at the National Arboretum in Washington D.C., in January of 2001. Two days later, as fate would have it, President Bush was inaugurated.
So, what’s the real story here? It can be confusing.
Is there really such a thing as a ‘Corpse Flower’, and does it really smell that bad? Did President Bush have any other motive in commuting Scooter’s sentence? Does the President bloom only once every four years, and does that explain his re-election? Did Fox News deliberately downplay the Libby commutation story, or do they really believe there is a liberal conspiracy to deny the people their lottery rights?
I guess you’ll just have to trust your own senses, this time.