Hollyweird in the Home Town

9:25 a.m.: arrest, 23-year-old man
arrested on warrant for charges including
assault with a dangerous weapon.

The film folks have left town, and just in time. We wouldn’t want any professionals horning in on our new, home-town reality series.
This is a casting call for Hollyweird in the Home Town.
Here’s the premise: despite the country’s obsession with the hi-jinks of the honeys of the Hollywood Hills, ‘folks round here’ are just as messed up.
We may be pulled over by the police while driving an old Escort Wagon, or a rusted-out Ford F150 though Manomet, instead of a Porsche or a Lotus through Malibu - but we’re just as high, just as arrogant, just as likely to get off with a slap on the wrist as our role models out there in La-La-Land.

12:10 p.m.: arrest, 21-year-old Plymouth man
arrested on warrant for charge of assault and battery
with a dangerous weapon, Manomet Point Road

The premise of our show is that this is La-La-Land too.
So we are looking for act-a-likes. We don’t care if you look like Lindsey or Nicole, and we certainly don’t expect you to have their cash. But if you have that same, perpetual ‘I could have had a V-8’ expression on your face, have “Rip Tides RIP” tattooed just above the crack of your ass, think your poop smells like pop-tarts, and have been chosen to be a spokes model for Breathalyzer, we want you!
We can’t pay much but, if selected, you will receive your own faux-police dossier with full color mug shots.
We can’t guarantee you the cover of Weekly World News, but you are sure to have your face plastered all across the local papers, and be featured prominently in the local police log.

1:15 p.m.: arrest, 19-year-old Plymouth man
charged with simple possession of Class D substance

The structure of our reality program won’t be anything out of the ordinary: just another pointless competition meant to bring out the worst from a dozen or so local yahoos – but with a grand prize of a 30 day stay at one of the country’s leading rehab centers.
Each week contestants chosen from the local police log will be given $10 and left off at a pre-selected bar or local party with no ID, no credit cards, and the goal of becoming legally intoxicated, borrowing a friends car, and driving themselves to the police station to ask for directions to the nearest McDonalds – and all within four hours.
In the end five finalists will be arrested and charged with disorderly conduct, DUI, possession of a Class D Substance, and assigned a local lawyer .
The finalist who receives the lightest sentence will be declared the winner.

8:01 p.m.: arrest, 39-year-old Plymouth woman charged with
simple possession of Class B substance, simple possession of
Class D substance and possession of Class B substance with
intent to distribute

Don’t sneeze at the prize: the winner may not be cured of their behaviors at the rehab center, but their room will have a spectacular view of the Pacific Ocean, and the food there is to die for.
More importantly though, this reality series will awaken Americans to the fact that no one area of the country has a monopoly on spoiled, irresponsible young adults, whacked out judges, or absentee parents.
I firmly believe that if we are going to lock up young actresses for reckless behavior, we need to lock up young convenience store employees too.
If we are going to put the mug shots of drunken actors on the nightly news, then we should be putting the mug shots of our own friends and family on public access television.
And I believe there should be financial parity as well. If Nicole Ritchie has to pay $500,000 to some pathetic, overdressed lawyer to get her sentence reduced to three weeks of home confinement, than our kids should pay no less than $5000 to the guy who hangs out at the local court house and claims he has a law degree, or the guy who handled your mortgage settlement, or your friend who says the Internet is all that you need.

12:40 a.m.: arrest, 23-year-old Plymouth man arrested
on warrant for charges of unlicensed bath house,
keeping a disorderly house and sexual conduct for a fee


Even if you have gotten your act together, and don’t qualify for our show, what about your brother: didn’t I see his name in the Police Log last week? Or how about your wife: she may have fooled the local cops, but she didn’t fool you when you found that six pack in her bowling bag.
Isn’t it about time that the local dumb-ass, hot head, or Hezbollah member got the same attention as their counterpart in Southern Kalifornia?
I think so.
And I am sure that America thinks so, too.
The real crime is wasting so much time on those rich kids.
Sign up now for Hollyweird in the Home Town, or just give your real name the next time they pull you over.