Clint Eastwood Lawn Care Company

Give it up.
Admit that for five weeks in the spring, the caterpillar is King!
Besides, you can’t in good conscience put another five gallons of Killzallothion on your lawn, can you?
As it is you’ve already absorbed enough through the soles of those ratty sneakers to qualify for official X-Man status.
Your neighbor’s dog has sprouted wings.
Mr. Welch across the street paid for one of those forest fire planes to douse his yard with bug killer - but they missed and filled up the Mr. Carter’s pool instead.
Mr. Carter tried swimming in it, but found he could only bounce on the surface: at night it gives off a freaky glow, like a giant vat of Sterno.
He’s planning on having a pig roast – as soon as he figures out how to suspend the pig over the pool.
The police stopped a van sneaking over the Carver line, and found that it was full of illegal migrant caterpillar picking laborers.
They let them go.
Have you noticed that you haven’t seen many wild turkeys lately? That seems a shame because turkeys love to eat caterpillars. But the truth is that they’ve eaten so many already that they can’t move: they’re all somewhere in the woods, lying on the ground, fast asleep.
Science fact: caterpillars are full of a chemical that makes you sleepy if you eat them.
Have you noticed that you haven’t seen many coyotes lately?
Science fact: turkeys are full of a chemical that makes you sleepy if you eat them.
This is a perfect time to rethink your landscaping strategy.
21 years ago, when I first moved in to my home, I had 1000 square feet of sod, 10 hardy shrubs, and a long gravel driveway that sloped slightly downhill from the front of the house toward the road.
I’m thinking now of a more natural, green approach.
I’m going to let the forest take the driveway.
I am going to let the wildflowers take the lawn.
I am going to let the caterpillars have what’s left.
Have you seen my son Patrick? He went out last night to collect some specimens –so cute, with his little mason jar with the holes punched in the lid, but he never came back in.
There was a note, of sorts –full of nibbled letters, but we couldn’t make it out. Something about ‘if ou wan to see yo-r sn again, leaf frshly potted delish fern on bck deck..’
Someone told me that if you listen carefully at night, you can hear millions of caterpillars munching on leaves.
We used to tell my older son Robert that he chewed like he had rocks in his mouth: if he ate ice cream he sounded as if he was chewing on rocks; if he ate cereal he sounded as if he was chewing on rocks; if he ate soup.. Well, you get the picture.
So I listened the other night, and I really don’t think what I was hearing was the sound of tiny mouths chewing. I think, instead, it was the sound of digested bits of leave falling from the trees.
My car is now mocha colored.
The lawn is mocha colored.
The streets are a patchwork of goo spots.
Of course where you are it might be very different. Our house is set back a ways, into the woods, surrounded on all sides by raggedy scrub oak. Or, what used to be raggedy scrub oak.
I am not sure but I think the trees are surrendering.
This natural phenomenon is not doing anything to help fight the obesity epidemic amongst children either.
Society once used caterpillars as an example of patience and humility: the poor, ugly caterpillar goes to bed one night - an outcast among the more attractive of God’s creatures, and wakes up the next morning a beautiful butterfly.
But these caterpillars have no humility whatsoever.
These caterpillars must know what lies ahead for them, because they’re partying to beat the band.
They’re like a fat teenager whose parents have promised them stomach stapling surgery for their sixteenth birthday.
They’re setting a very bad example.
Oh, what the hell: go ahead and spray them again.