History of the Cell Phone: Part 1

386 years ago, half way over, Winslow, with his cell phone, makes a rather bad connection to his friend Zeke back in jolly old, and –in a hoarse whisper, gives him an earful about the captain and crew.
“Don’t get me wrong, they’re a nice enough group, but they couldn’t navigate their way out of a paper bag.”
Sure enough, they stumble across the Atlantic and end up a good thousand miles off course, finally dropping anchor in a shallow, mosquito-infested harbor where they are watched by a group of very wary natives.
One, known in his native tongue as Verizon, gives his wife a call.
“Hey”, he says when she answers.
“Wassup” she responds, somewhat blandly.
“Nothing,” he says: “just thought I’d call. I’m heading back in the bark soon: got a few nice stripers. I may be a little late though.”
“So why’d you call: just to tell me that?”
“Well, no: I mean” he says, “well, there’s another one of those big boats in the harbor, you know, with the overdressed white people. I’m going to hang a bit, see what they’re up to.”
“Don’t get too close to them.”
“Maybe they’ve got some barrels of beer.”
“Oh, so now we’re getting to it,” she says, somewhat sarcastically. Then, concerned: “Well, don’t stay too long. And don’t get in the bark if you’ve had any beer.”
“I won’t,” he says, sounding offended.
“Right,” she answers.
Ten years later, on a hunting trip, Isaac Allerton calls home, and his wife answers.
“Hi. It’s me.”
“Yeah, me. So?”
“I forget: what kind of wild game did you say you wanted for the thanksgiving?”
“I told you to write it down.”
“Well I didn’t. So just tell me.”
“I said venison, if it’s available. You know how those natives eat. And if you can’t get venison, turkey, at least two big ones.”
“What about beer?”
“You’re going to shoot some beer?”
“No, you know what I mean: how are we fixed for beer?”
“Well, it sounds like you’re fixed for beer. Besides, where are you going to get more beer? You can’t just brew it up in a day.”
“Well, there’s this bunch of Dutch fishermen, a little off course. I thought maybe we could trade some venison for more beer: if we need it, that is.”
“You do what you want: you’re going to anyway, regardless of what I say. Only do me a favor: after you make the trade, let someone else steer the shallop!”
A hundred and twenty-five years later.
“Hey, guess where I am?”
“I know where you are supposed to be.”
“No, seriously, where are you now?”
“I’m where I am supposed to be. You?”
“Are you outside?”
“Yes.”
“Look across the harbor, toward Boston. Do you see the smoke, the flare of the cannons?”
“I see something”.
“Okay, okay, I’m going to wave my flag now. Do you see it? Do you see it?”
“See what?”
“Oh, damn: the British are coming. I’ll call you later.”
Two Hundred Thirty-One years later, at the ball field.
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
“So, did you get the beer?”
“What beer?”
“For the cookout.”
“I got that yesterday, remember?”
“Oh yeah.”
“So where are you? I thought you were taking Katie to her ballgame.”
“I was, I mean I am. I’m there now.”
“How’s she doing?”
“What do you mean? She’s fine.”
“You’re not even watching!”
“She’s fine. She’s fine. She’s… well, she’s playing in the dirt.”
“On the field?”
“Hey, it’s Tee Ball. Half of the kids are playing in the dirt.”
“And the other half are talking on their cell phones.”
“Listen, it was you who wanted to sign her up. If you are so damned eager to see her learn the fine points of the game, then you take her to the games.”
“What, and let you do the shopping?”
“I can shop.”
“Yeah, when you do the shopping you buy the beer, and then you forget what else it is you were supposed to get.”
“So what: if I forget, I call. That’s what cell phones are for!”
“Thank God: I don’t know what we would do without cell phones.”