Confessions of a Political Junkie

I’m going on the wagon, politically speaking.
I’m swearing off the hard-stuff.
I’m going to attend my first meeting of PJA –Political Junkies Anonymous. They have a twelve-step method that’s practically foolproof.

Good morning: my name is Frank Mand and I am a politicoholic. It has been three hours since I last yelled at the guys on Fox News.

That’s the first step: admitting publicly that you have a problem.
The second step is apologizing to everyone who you made feel stupid, just because they weren’t as obsessed with politics as you were.
Dear reader, please accept my apology.
To my wife who has had to endure me constantly switching the channel in the midst of “Lost” or “Survivor” so I could watch “Hardball”, I apologize.
To my seven year old son, Patrick, who I wouldn’t let watch Saturday morning cartoons so that I could watch reruns of “Hardball”, I apologize.
To owners of SUVs bigger than my first apartment, I apologize.
To all the employees of Wal-Mart, the folks at NSTAR, the President of Mobil Oil, and the Uuugly Twins, I apologize.
Heck, to the entire Republican Party, I apologize.

Speaking of politics, I was bemused by Karen Buechs’ recent announcement that, as a newly elected member of the town’s Charter Review Commission, she felt she had to resign her position as a Town Meeting Member to avoid a conflict of interest.
Will she now also resign her membership on PAC-TV, to avoid the appearance of a conflict of interest there?
Will she and her husband stop producing an endless variety of cable television shows which advocate a Mayoral form of government, and attack those with different opinions on that issue, at least until after the commission finishes its business?
Oops! I slipped.
Hello, my name is Frank Mand, and I am a politicoholic. It has been 90 words since my last outburst.

Step Three is admitting that not everything is related to politics.
Putting referendum articles about gay marriage or abortion or immigration on election ballots, is not necessarily a cynical political ploy to increase conservative voter turnout.
Opposing stem-cell research is not necessarily a cynical political ploy to curry favor with conservative religious voters.
Sending troops to Afghanistan, Iraq, Florida, New Orleans, and now the entire border with Mexico, is not necessarily a pathetic attempt to hide the fact that you were not prepared for terrorist attacks, hurricanes, floods, or floods of immigrants.
Will Bush send troops to battle Bird Flu?
Is that a slip?
Darn!
I apologize.
My name is Frank Mand, and I am a politicoholic.


The fourth step is giving away the stuff. You can’t separate yourself from politics if you don’t cleanse your home of all the stuff.
Like my blue wrist band that I got at the 2004 Democratic Convention in Boston.
Or my button showing Dick Cheney wearing the Bush hand-puppet.
The posters and the pamphlets, banners and signs, buttons and pins.
My Move-On Bake Sale for Democracy T-Shirt.
I just can’t throw that stuff away.
Maybe I could have a political yard sale? All the funds raised could be donated to a non-political cause, like medical research. Only it can’t be the medical value of marijuana. And it can’t be medical research into the ‘morning after’ pill. And it can’t be medical research into stem cells.
Is there a disease out there that has not been politicized?
Maybe I’ll just have a bonfire and barbeque, instead?

Step Five is finding a hobby that will give you an excuse, as to why you can’t participate in any political events.
Hello, my name is Frank Mand, and I haven’t got the time to help you out with your campaign because… I have to tend to my bees?
Which is worse, I wonder: A backyard full of bees, or a front yard covered in political signs?
I think my wife would rather have me run for mayor than have bees.
Winnie the Pooh famously said, ‘you can never tell, with bees’: and the same may hold true for politicians. They all promise a hive full of honey, but it’s almost impossible to collect without getting stung a few times.
But maybe that makes beekeeping the perfect hobby for the politicoholic: a few hives of buzzing bees would probably keep away the politicians.
And bees are not swayed by rhetoric, however flowery. Given a choice, bees will always choose real flower nectar over dry, unsweetened words.

Maybe that’s what I really need to do: shut up for a while and enjoy actual life. Smell the flowers. Taste the rain. Mow the lawn (as soon as it dries out). Get back into the everyday and let the politicians have politics all to themselves.
In other words, get a life.
I’m going to give it a shot.
Wish me luck.
But just in case, I apologize.