The Decider

According to The Decider, freedom is on the march in Iraq, but back here in Plymouth some gay guy is threatening to sneak into your home and pencil in a new definition of marriage.
This is no laughing matter.
This guy has a sharpened No. 2 Pencil!
And history has shown, time and time again, that reality is based on Websters’s New Texas Dictionary, Volume 27.
Today that dictionary defines marriage as “a ceremony in which a Republican Senator kisses the arse of a symbolic right-wing voter, then takes a free flight to Tahiti to speak at a conference on the power of golf to preserve the traditional family unit.”
If we don’t pass a Constititutional Amendment preserving the present definition of marriage – The Decider warns, Senators from any party would be free to kiss the arses of right wing voters, or the arses of left wing voters, or maybe even the arses of wild animals.
It boggles the mind.
What we are really doing here, The Decider says, is protecting the will of the people against the will of other people who don’t agree with their definition of the will of the people.
And those other people –whoever they are, are scared: scared that what they are afraid of, will be shown to be not so scary after all: thereby eliminating a large portion of the rationale for voting for The Decider and his golfing buddies.
And if the people aren’t scared, there will be less reason for them to stay married, and fewer married people could mean that more people on the street will have their own No. 2 pencils, and the freedom to go around putting moustaches on pictures of Der Decider – further eroding the place of golf in a free society.
Actually, to be fair, The Decider is not a big golfer: he’s more a brush-burning kind of guy.
But The Decider has always respected the right of golfers to golf with whomever they wished, and to keep the coloreds and the gays and the women from joining their Country Club.
No, that’s not exactly right: let me erase that last statement and pencil in a new one.
When you golf, you carry your own scorecard, and one of those cute little pencils that they give out at the clubhouse.
If you want to cheat – who is going to stop you?
If you want to shave off a stroke here, forget a bad shot there, it’s between you and your Decider.
That is, until there is money on the line.
As soon as there is money on the line, the rules must be strictly enforced.
And that’s kind of what’s going on with the fight to preserve the definition of marriage.
Nobody wants to tell anybody else what to do with their lives, but if a politician wants to be re-elected (or keep his poll numbers up) he’s got to get out his No. 2 pencil and rewrite the rules (to fit those with whom he regularly golfs or goes pheasant hunting (or burns brush) with).
It’s kind of like that famous word-guessing game.
You take turns making up something to fear: but you never ever tell the other person exactly what it is, that they should be afraid of.
They take guesses, and every time they miss, you draw a leg or an arm, a head, then a face and - in the end, someone’s always left hanging.
Do we really need a Constitutional Amendment for that?